If You Were Gay
by Fenrir's Daughter
Summary: A random little singalong in which Wylde thinks his brother Kurt is gay. Madness insues.


A/N: Whilst looking through the fanfics in this site, I noticed that everything had a storyline. There were oneshots, sure, and even a songfic! But that was this serious thing about Shirako's ex-girlfriend being engaged to Wylde! Not a single shred of randomness! So, here it is: Random Wylde brother singalong torture. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:**"And now for something completely different!"

* * *

Kurt Wylde lounged comfortably in the Teku common room, giving a contented sigh as he opened a maho shojo manga. For those of you who don't know, this is Japanese for "magical girls comics"; you know, like Sailor Moon? Finally, some alone time! No racers, drones, Metal Maniacs or little brothers to bother him.

"Ahh, a little time to myself to read my favorite manga series, Wedding Peach," he said, giving another contented sigh. "Just me and Momoko." Or, so he thought…

Just then, his brother Markie, better known as Wylde, came in.

"Hey Kurt," he said amicably; they had been on better terms lately. "You'll never guess what happened to me when I went into town this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me."

"That's very interesting", he responded, only half listening.

"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought _I_ was gay!"

At this, the elder Wylde brother's eyes practically bugged out of his head.

"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care," he answered with a nervous laugh, quickly changing the subject. "What did you have for lunch today?"

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Kurt—"

"I'm NOT getting defensive!" he snapped defensively. "What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read."

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Kurt. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

"Well I don't want to talk about it, Markie! This conversation is over!!!"

"Yeah, but—"

"**OVER**!!!"

Seemingly out of nowhere, music began to play. Kurt turned about, mildly confused. His brother sighed.

"Well, okay, but just so you know —" he started, and then broke into song.

**Markie**  
IF YOU WERE GAY  
THAT'D BE OKAY.  
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,  
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.  
BECAUSE YOU SEE,  
IF IT WERE ME,  
I WOULD FEEL FREE  
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

Kurt blushed, flabberghasted at his younger sibling, blinking furiously and turning away.

"Markie, please! I am trying to read..." He hid his face in his book, more as an attempt to get Markie to stop than to actually read it, but after a few moments he could no longer ignore the person staring at him and snapped. "What?!"

**Markie**  
IF YOU WERE QUEER

**Kurt**  
Ah, Markie!

**Markie**  
I'D STILL BE HERE,

**Kurt**  
Markie, I'm trying to read this book.

**Markie**  
YEAR AFTER YEAR

**Kurt**  
Markie!

**Markie**  
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR  
TO ME,

**Kurt**  
Argh!

Markie's brother, fed up, started to walk away, but to no avail; Markie followed Kurt out of the common room and down the long corridors of the Acceledrome.

**Markie**  
AND I KNOW THAT YOU

**Kurt**  
What?

**Markie**  
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,

**Kurt**  
I would?

**Markie**  
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,  
"HEY! GUESS WHAT?  
I'M GAY!"  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

Markie followed his older brother into the garage, where the rest of the Teku and Metal Maniacs were busy working on their cars. Except for Monkey, who was staring at Lani while she helped Taro work on his car.

**Markie**  
I'M HAPPY JUST BEING WITH YOU…

"This is ridiculous..." he muttered.

**Markie**  
SO WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME  
WHAT YOU DO IN BED WITH GUYS?

Absolutely mortified, Kurt turned a shade of red previously unknown to the people of earth as the entire Acceledrome's population rubbernecked to stare at him, most of them in complete shock. Dr. Tezla shot them a dissaproving look, muttering about how you never could tell these days. Karma's face fell as if she were ready to cry and Monkey couldn't stop laughing.

"Oooo, this is getting good," Lani said, putting down her wrench to watch.

"Markie, that is WRONG!!!" screamed Kurt in complete exasperation.

His brother shook his head to indicate his disagreement. "No it's not!"

**Markie**  
IF YOU WERE GAY  
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!

**Kurt**  
I am _not_ listening!

**Markie**  
AND HERE I'D STAY,

**Kurt**  
La la la la la!

**Markie**  
BUT I WOULDN'T GET  
IN YOUR WAY.

**Kurt**  
Aaaah!

**Markie**  
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME  
TO ALWAYS BE  
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,  
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,  
YOU WERE JUST BORN THAT WAY,  
AND, AS THEY SAY,  
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,  
YOU'RE GAY!

**Kurt**  
I AM NOT GAY!

**Markie**  
If you _were_ gay...

**Kurt**  
Argh!

"That was better than General Hospital," Lani stated plainly, staring at the Wylde brothers with a smile. Nolo walked over to Kurt, looking mildly hurt.

"Kurt, I thought we were friends," he said. "You could have told me, man! We're pals."

At this, Kurt stomped off, muttering to himself. "I'm not gay..."

Finally, Monkey's laughter began to die down. "I c-can't breathe..heheh," he managed to sputter between stifled giggles. Nolo froze and turned to him slowly, a look of fear plastered on his face. The Latino racer screamed like a girl and ran off.

"AAGH! ZOMBIE MONKEY RISEN FROM THE **GRAVE**!!"

Monkey blinked and began laughing again, this time falling to the floor and passing out from lack of air. Taro stared after them, scratching his head, finally concluding he was trapped with bunch of lunatics and that if he just stayed on their good side he might survive. He sighed.

"Honestly, and they say _we're_ maniacs..."

* * *

A/N: Avenue Q is my new favorite musical, masterfully spoofing RENT and Sesame Street at the same time, and this just popped into my head and absolutely refused to leave until I wrote it out. Also, Nolo thinks that Monkey is a zombie because he found the body in my other fic, 'Sick Little Monkey'. Check it out, peeples! Luv ya! 


End file.
